i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
