i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
