Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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