so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dating After Heartbreak
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said