he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?