Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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