WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
