I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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