I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
