I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
