Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
