Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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