in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
