At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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