I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
