Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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