i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
