Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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