An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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