Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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