i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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