she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Welp...herpes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
