I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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