My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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