I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the day after is always just damage control
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
