took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
