See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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