You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
