I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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