sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
