In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
