I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
