bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
