you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
