Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
