Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
