quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
