So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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