You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
