My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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