a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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