i already hear my dad disowning me
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
