Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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