Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
