ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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