Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
