I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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