My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
