I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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