I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
