The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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