Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
