I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
