woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
