meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
