I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
