i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
