remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
