Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
