I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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